I am Malt Schlitzmann, history's finest. I am the only funny person that has ever lived, and I also invented writing words on the internet. If you're reading this, you should pay me to be funny on your behalf.
At summer camp, I was the only 13 year old who managed to chug a quart of chocolate milk without puking and I'm proud to say I take this same approach to every endeavor I set out on. At any instant I can perform the original opening theme from Space Jam with 80% accuracy OR BETTER. If you ran a forum between the years 2003-2012 you banned me multiple times.
Thank you to Jim Robertus, the programmer who developed this extremely retro throwback HTML template. Thank you also to my editors, without whom I would be completely unhinged. Thank you also to my readers and everyone kind enough to reach out and tell me my work has impacted them.